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diary of a wannabe princess
...after the rain goes, there are rainbows...
my thoughts 
6th-Mar-2009 08:24 amnone
I'm sitting here
waiting for my laundry to be done.
my cell is either in there
or at dana's place.
either way,
I have no phone.

working all day today.

I like dana's new place.
the location is perfect.
I like growing up with him.
I like building a life with someone.
I just don't think that spark is there anymore.
I can't feel the way I used to no matter how hard I try.
but maybe this is how its supposed to feel
when you become so familiar with someone.
I keep hoping..
maybe after this step we'll feel different
more in love
but each step
is another level descending
from what we used to feel.
15th-Feb-2009 09:30 pmnone
I think life is a test...

and I'm failing
15th-Feb-2009 01:29 amnone
I feel like I'm dying.
I feel like I could cry forever
and be ok with it.
might make me feel better.
I feel like I wish I'd never met him.
better to have loved and lost?
I'd rather have nothing.
the worst part is that
I did this to myself.
I have all the power to give it up
and get it all back.
and it's taking every ounce of strength
inside me, to restrain myself
from running right into his arms.
this is such a nightmare.
I just want to wake up.
happy valentine's day.
12th-Feb-2009 09:59 pmnone
those second thought things
they're coming back.
but I guess I knew they would.
it's expected when you're wide awake
sitting alone in your room
with absolutely nothing to do.
I could be cuddling
I could be watching a movie
I could be at a restaurant
I could be shopping
I could be laughing about something stupid
all with that boy
I need to get over.

I guess I'll sit here
and sulk with my acoustic music
and hope someday soon
I'll forget the lovely convenience
of a boyfriend.
12th-Feb-2009 12:49 amnone
I couldn't do it anymore.

sometimes it scares me
that maybe I let go of the only
happiness I'll ever find here anymore.
and other times
I'm so glad I escaped
our miserable spiral down.

the most terrifying thing
is not knowing what's next

just hoping
maybe I'll get another chance
at something..
6th-Feb-2009 06:02 pmnone

he doesn't know.
that would defeat the point.

I'm scared.
scared that he'll come through.
that I'll be stuck again.
scared that he'll fail.
that I'll have to follow through
with my own decisions.

I wish we had never happened.
I credit a lot of where I am
to him.
good and bad.
I wish things were different.

his actions
on this fourteenth of february
determine our fate.
and he has no idea.
and the part that scares me most
is that I like it.
1st-Feb-2009 12:07 amnone
wow I'm empty.

$150 tonight.
but I'm lonely.

like really missing something.

my life itself
feels like a void.

kay 10-6
superbowl party
at the boss's house.
29th-Jan-2009 03:54 pmnone
my dad says I should write a book
about waitressing
and all the people I observe.
I like it.

I had a couple and a baby.
looked like your quintessential
too-young-to-be-parents hicks.
the woman changed her baby's diaper
at the booth.
thank god it wasn't on the actual table
but still.

I'm in a good mood today.
not much reason to be.
and now somehow I'm in a bad mood
for realizing I have no reason
to be in a good mood.
29th-Jan-2009 02:06 amnone
it feels over
but then I don't know what's next.
so it feels paused.
like I'm just gona float here
til I figure out
where exactly I'm going.
cuz who would want to lose the life jacket
before they can clearly see the shore?

not me.
28th-Jan-2009 12:00 amnone
we watched donnie darko tonight.
it's been a while.
and it reminded me of everything I'm afraid of.
at least he had his imaginary friend.
someone..or something to provide direction.

there's a snow storm tonight.
dana's driving home tonight.
it's terrible
but I can't help but think
the worst is what the universe thinks I need.
what if?

when I'm with him
sometimes I feel more alone
than without him.
it's strange.

my head hurts
from avoiding all the distraction.
the more I try to dodge everything
the faster everything catches up with me.

I feel disconnected
from destiny.
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